I Will Never Be The Same Again

I have been sitting here on the bed trying to think of an appropriate title for this blog and just could not........then it hit me....."I Will Never Be The Same Again". My life as I knew it is so very different. Here is the way my day went.....

I went to my appointment this morning and had my blood work done and the nurse (Sandy) was trying to get Dr. Thomas as he was in Elkin today. She paged him but by this time...it was almost 11am and I had other things to do so I asked Sandy to call me when Dr. Thomas called her back and let me know what they were going to do as far as my pic line. My counts really came up and this would have been the time when I would have been discharged from the hospital had I had a fever (I never got that fever). My white count came up to 1.6 all on its own and I have more neutraphils (immune system), my hemoglobin and platelets are hanging in there and Dr. Thomas said that when this happens, you don't usually have to get any more transfusions! I waited in the waiting room for quite a while and met a wonderful lady that is fighting Chronic Leukemia....she has been fighting this battle since the year 2000!! I told her that she was a very strong woman because I just don't know that I could take chemo for that many years because the doctors couldn't keep me in remission!! Oh well, I guess we don't know what we will be willing to do and what the Lord will have you do or lead you to do. She told me that He wasn't done with her and that there was more work to be done here on earth....but there have been days when she just wanted to go home and be with the Lord....I can understand that...I have had days like that myself when I felt that I just couldn't take it anymore....I was emotionally and physically tired! But the Lord always puts people in your path that will encourage you and bring you understanding. I think that happened again today as I spoke with this lady. She admitted to being tired and not wanting to go on but that the Lord has brought her through this and she said that we met today for a reason! She told me that she needed to be encouraged and that when we started to talk, she was encouraged!! I told her that I felt the same about her...that she was encouraging me (in a huge way).

So, I got in my car and left the Cancer Center.....I went in the office and started my day (late of course...after 11am). I got in a couple of hours and then finally my cell phone rang and it was Sandy telling me that I could come on back and get my pic line taken out!!! I was so excited and happy, I could hardly contain myself! So, I clocked back out and went back to the Cancer Center...I went to the waiting room and the Sandy came out and took me to the back. She pulled that sucker out and as usual...what a weird feeling...that long line coming out of your arm!! But it was out......I requested that she use the "old people" tape on my arm as the other tape makes blisters on my arm/skin. I know that sounds terrible but I have learned to speak up when it comes to stuff like that....so she went and got the stretchy tape and wrapped my arm all up....very tight! I have to keep it on for 24 hours....I plan on taking a shower as soon as this bandage comes off.....I have been taking a bath with my right arm hanging out of the tub because I couldn't get it wet! What a site.....I'm just glad no one ever saw me in the tub.....they would yell: "Roll it back into the ocean" I look like a beached whale!!! Hey, I am laughing right now so please join me in laughing too!!

I went back to work and my arm started hurting and felt limp...that is the best way to explain it....just weird feeling. I just kept thinking....it is over....no more chemo, no more transfusions, no more labs and blood work (well, I will have a few more but just to follow up and oh ya, a bone marrow biopsy next month to see how things are).....it is very overwhelming to think about what all I have been through and what my family has been through. My daughter, Jennifer will be sleeping in her bed in her room for the first time in many months....she has been sleeping on the couch and when I asked her why...she told me that she wanted to be close to me....she wanted to be on the same floor as her mom just in case.....

I know I am going in all directions with this but I am just overwhelmed with joy right now. It feels like Christmas......or like I won the lottery.....but better than that! I know I still have to go through a couple more things but not like before....I look back on when this all started back in October 2007 and wondered how we would make it....how could we handle this.....why was this happening to me....how could this happen to me....I was mad at God and mad at the world...but not for long....not long at all....

It was that first and second day in the hospital that the Lord showed me all the why's, how, when, where and all the answers just came so quickly...even though this has been a very hard road to travel....it has changed my life and this is hard to take in...but I wouldn't change it for the world. I couldn't imagine not going through this and God showing me things about myself and about others...He sure showed me a lot and to actually see His hands at work in the hospital as I was in bed and people holding hands and praying in a circle around me for my fever to stop as I had been having a fever for weeks and it was terrible.....God answered that prayer just 30 minutes later as the people left the room, Bob and Jane McCaskill was there with Keith and my parents as well. Jane was there to shave my head. When the people who came to pray had left and I got out of bed to sit in the chair so Jane could shave my head, the nurse came in the room to take my temperature.....it was 98.7 Now if that isn't seeing the Lord work in a mighty miraculous way, I don't know what is! There are other things that happened as well that I have posted about earlier. I have always heard of others being touched and seeing things happen that are just a God thing....but I never actually experienced it until now.

I have learned to slow down and not be in a hurry....and enjoy the little things and notice things that I usually don't notice....those little things I see each day are the little miracles in life that we miss if we hurry past them.

The title to this blog has a reason behind it. I was up until very late last night and I have found that there is just the right song for this......."I Will Never Be The Same Again" I am posting the words to this song as well and I want you all to listen to the words. I think this song fits....so very well. On this song, there is no streaming video ...I have put the words to the song below the video.



I will never be the same again,
I can never return, I've closed the door.
I will walk apart, I'll run the race
And I will never be the same again.

I will never be the same again,
I can never return, I've closed the door.
I will walk apart, I'll run the race
And I will never be the same again.

Fall like fire, soak like rain,
Flow like mighty waters, again and again.
Sweep away the darkness, burn away the chaff,
And let a flame burn to glorify Your name.

There are higher heights, there are deeper seas,
Whatever you need to do, Lord do in me.
The Glory of God fills my life,
And I will never be the same again.

Fall like fire, soak like rain,
Flow like mighty waters, again and again.
Sweep aways the darkness, burn away the chaff
And let a flame burn to glorify Your name.

Fall like fire, soak like rain,
Flow like mighty waters, again and again.
Sweep away the darkness, burn away the chaff,
And let a flame burn to glorify Your name.

I will never be the same again,
I can never return, I've closed the door.
I will walk the path, I will run the race
And I will never be the same again.
And I will never be the same again.
And I will never be the same again.